Irrelevant tittle should go here.
I take comfort in knowing that people have plans for the future and that they expect for there to be a future. I take comfort in people telling me what they are going to be doing in the next year or so. I take comfort in knowing that I’m not the only who’s trapped by what my mind chooses to think, what I choose to think. It’s a terrible thing but I take comfort in knowing that other people are scared too. I don’t live off their fears, I survive by knowing that it’s not only me that chooses to think this way or is currently feeling this.
Knowing that there is that much hope for a future should be enough to trick my mind into thinking that the world can’t possibly be destroyed. It should be but it isn’t. I suffer from insomnia and that’s after months and months of contemplating on life and after the doctor finally telling me that I have a problem. I am hoping that insomnia is it’s finally effect and that it should stop the entire situation from going any further or causing anything else. To add, when he said ‘problem’ he didn’t mean that I’m losing my mind or that I suddenly became a drug addict or an alcoholic. I haven’t turned into a psychopath or anything like that. As much as I don’t believe it, I am actually still sane, for most times. Sane enough, that is. I have a problem and I take comfort in knowing that most of us do, especially at times like these. Times where rationality doesn’t fit in anywhere on the puzzle. It isn’t a choice, it’s a phase. One that I don’t know when it is going to end. A phase that takes everything you believe in and puts it to perspective while immersing into a pool of fear of everything. It’s a phase that eats you alive and makes you question whether or not to wake up today or tomorrow or the day after, or even yesterday. It’s a phase that drives you to take one step further than what you usually do or capable of. It makes you think things you never really hope you had to think about. It makes you imagine the horrible things that you never wish would come true. It makes you plan ahead for things you don’t want to go through.
I don’t see the need in telling people how I feel or putting it out there to make me feel better. That’s not how I function and doing that would just make me feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable because of my own actions that I could easily avoid doesn’t seem rational. As irrational as this entire situation is, I would like to keep that one thing rational. And writing about it, writing about it vaguely helps me function how I think I function. I would like to keep that the way it is as irrational as it is. I would like to keep somethings rational and something’s irrational because that’s the way I function. There has to be a balance. There has to be some stupidity in all of that rationality because being too rational has never been the way I function.
